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| you're the most irresponsible person i've met. you failed my expectations. the only thing you're good at is giving assurance. assurance without action. you put on a face to make me believe you're the one being trampled on. you make it a point that i wont find out what you've been hiding. you've fooled me before but i've been more careful since. no matter how hard you try to conceal things like that, i will know eventually. like i have the last time. you're good at making excuses. you say you don't have enough time. that's so old. I dont have that much time either but when it comes to a point that i have to sacrifice what little extra time i have left to help you, i would go an extra mile. how come you wouldn't? you don't appreciate other people's efforts to save you from the problem you made yourself. haven't you realized how drained i've become just to right what you've wronged? i can't make you change, but at least if you have the conscience, make an effort. do it for yourself. if you cant do it for me or for your children, then just think of yourself and how much harder it will be in the future if you don't take care of it now. anyway, that's who you're always thinking of.. yourself. did i fail to mention how selfish you are? how immature you are as a father and as a provider. and mostly as a husband. you say you care, but you sure have an unconvincing way to show it. i cannot go any further with you by my side. if you dont attempt to resolve this, then let this be my way of saying goodbye. i've said goodbye before, but i was never truly that strong to let go. hoping against odds that things will change. but i've waited, and i've seen the worst has come. i don't need you. so go on, and sort things on your own. you're never one to listen to my advice anyway. i give you the freedom to decide on your own. it's entirely up to you where you'll be heading and what you're going to do next. right now, i don't need this. i don't need you. You're a pain and you're definitely something i'd much rather get rid of than attempt to fix.
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| make me laugh, you made me cry
i say hello, you said goodbye
i walk ahead, you went away
i wake at night, you woke today
you keep running, i stood still
you sound so cool, my voice was shrill
you aren't here, i was but there
you want it all, i couldn't care
we climb uphill, you held on tight
I wonder when and how we might
not ever fall and throw it all
where we're at, I'll leave at that.
we stumble through, I made my way
you said to never go astray
unforeseen, it could have been
but here we are, we've gone this far.
to be continued..
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| i think it was made pretty clear that you will not always stand by me. the way you responded was uncalled for. of all the people who could do this to me, it had to be you. that was a very long time ago but i will not forget it.
i know how different we are. from the way we think, to what we think is right, to how we prioritize our goals in life. maybe it's come to a point now that one has to bow down to let the other gain control. for the past months that I've had to live with it, i guess it has to be me who has to give way. I'm not exiting gracefully. in fact, I've accepted defeat quite bitterly, and now is not an exception.
i have to admit this one's one of the hardest. you chose to go where i would not tread. because you think you cannot take it anymore so you are willing to risk it all. many months ago, i told you we have to move on independently. and for the time being i was relieved. relieved that you felt my sentiment, at least i thought you did. but the weeks dragged on and i'm still where i was before. we have not made any progress.
i'm sad. very much disappointed. i remember you telling me that you had a surprise for me. that was after you left me waiting too long. you never showed up. i never knew what that surprise was. you assured me i would be very happy to hear it but until now i still don't have a clue what that was about. again, you put my hopes up intentionally only to let me down. i don't know if i should still trust you. if i should still wait for you.
i am so tired of hearing your excuses. it just isn't right for me to continue feeling this way. if things have to end then so be it.
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| You chased my dreams away
I left, you made me stay
for you, but what i did
was for us and our kid
I cant go on like this
i know it's you i'll miss
we dont agree at all
everyday is a battle
maybe this is bound to happen
got messed up again
I'll have to bid you goodbye
than go to bed each night misty-eyed
its such a torment
not knowing what to do
where to go from here
when im no longer with you
im left wondering
if what im about to do is right
here i am again, teary-eyed
as i go to bed tonight..
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| I came upon this site without the intention of keeping it. I blogged not expecting any readers, and I liked that. I kept some posts private even when it's not that private, and some posts public even when it's meant to be private.
It was a long time ago since my last entry. I remember having talked about something, and this is the only place I saved that fleeting moment. Now I am back, with almost the same fleeting experience, except that I don't think it's fleeting but rather, memorable. In a year's time I will look back on this blog and only I will know what was meant by these entries.
I am so out of words to describe this experience. I like how I make things so vague, to the point of not being able to comprehend it myself. I think it's wonderful, knowing that what happens to you, only a few could relate until maybe 5 years' time when it will be considered as the norm for the batch. I will have gained more wisdom while they will have just started out. I used to always be the one developmentally behind, but because of this fleeting experience, I'm not now.
This isn't the same as that one time. I am extremely hungry as I type. So now, I will need to serve myself half a cup of rice and some meat.
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